Picking Up the Pieces

Make sure you read my first post on how we go to here... Coming Up For Air

Yet again I struggle in writing this post.  I struggle because I want to share my story so other mamas know that they aren't alone, but I am also ashamed and broken about it.  More than anything I wanted to start this post off saying "success" and that everything is "normal". I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I can't do that.

I so desperately want to nurse my son and always will.  After a horrible experience with a "doctor", I put it in quotes because he was so uneducated that I don't even know why I went to him in the first place. I switched to a pediatrician who also happens to be a lactation consultant, I really need support from someone who actually knew what they were talking about.  The appointment didn't go as well as I hope.  I was more upset that she didn't tell me what I wanted to hear, she told me the reality of my situation and I wasn't willing to accept it.  She told me I lost my milk supply and that it would be near to impossible to get it back.  In my head all I heard was "you're broken and can't be fixed". I still hear that every day. I didn't want to accept it and I was angry she told me that.  

That next day I decided I would take my son off the bottle completely, again, and only nurse while still continuing to pump.  I was certain my supply wasn't lacking. The first couple days went better than I though, but yet again he had a decrease in wet diapers.  I told myself that I would give it 4 days and to not stress about it because it will take my body and my son a little bit to adjust.  

It was 11pm on day 4, I sat in our closet with the door shut and I cried.  I cried hard. I was broken. I was broken, defeated, and helpless.  There was no fourth chance or even a small hope left, it was over.  I knew it was over and there was absolutely nothing I could do about.  I couldn't even begin to explain the emptiness that overwhelmed me and how hard my heart sank into my chest.  I still can't believe this is happening to me.  Why is it? I can't help but to be so angry about the situation.  I told my husband that there are so many mothers that don't even want to nurse, why couldn't it happen to them? Why me? I want this so bad and I know this is what I'm supposed to do. It not fair and it never will be.

Everyone keeps telling me I was doing the best that I can.  But I couldn't see it that way, how was this my best? How was not providing food for my son the best? How was starving him the best? How was me not making enough milk the best?  This is my worst... I can hardly bare to say it, but it's the cold hard truth.  I let myself down and worst of all I let my son down.  Trying my best wasn't and didn't work.

The next couple days were hard, very hard.  That was my last chance to prove everyone wrong and show them that I could exclusively breastfeed my son and that we could go about our lives normally. I became angry at the doctors and these "professionals" that ruined our life.  How could they not listen when I was begging for help? How could they say everything was okay? How did they miss his tongue tie? How is this my life? I still struggle daily with dealing with my anger.  If only they had helped me when I was asking for it then I wouldn't be where I am today.

I really tried and still try to focus on the positives.  I told myself that I will keep pumping, power pumping, eat my lactation cookies, drink my tea and take my supplements.  I tried to keep my head up knowing that my son was on atleast 75% of my breast milk and that was WAY better than being on all formula. I was also determined to use a supplemental nursing system (SNS), but that alone has yet to be another uphill battle for us.  I dream of him being exclusively on the breast, but I know it will never happen. These positive days quickly turn into days where I feel like a complete failure.  I will never understand why this is happened to us and why we are where we are today.  I hate the thought of being broken and I hate that I can't give my son exactly what he needs.  

I am the definition of insanity. I do the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Every time I pump I check how many ounces I got, just hoping that there is more... there never is, but I still also expect there to be.  I just want to pump and fill the bottle up completely.  I want to feed my son! I want him to nurse and just be full and not mad after a few minutes because there is nothing there for him and he's still hungry.

It's now been a month since I took him off the bottle last and we still breastfeed, but I only make him if he wants to.  He mostly only wants to just to pacify, which to me is okay because atleast I am able to provide comfort for my little boy.  I pump every 2-3hrs and if I miss a pumping my world almost always falls apart because that means that he isn't getting everything I can give him.  I also still have horrible days and good days.  Just the other week I was sitting in a restaurant with my family.  My husband and oldest son sat on one side of the table, as myself and Wesson sat on the other.  Barrett and Ben were goofing off as I noticed a mom with a newborn baby sat down at the table next to us.  He was so tiny that it looked like they literally just got out of the hospital.  Shortly after us getting our food, the mom got out a bottle, dumped in the formula and fed her baby.  I instantly started crying. I had made up a whole story in my head how she never wanted to nurse to her son and that she never even wanted to try. It made me so sad that she could have nurse but didn't even try to. I would give anything to have that option. I was broken hearted over the fact that I couldn't give my son enough and she chose not to.  I know it was all made up in my head and that I will never know her story, but I couldn't help but dwell on it. 

I never wanted to be that mom that gave her baby a bottle. I would give anything to start over and know what I know now. I hate feeling broken and most of all I hate being embarrassed. I avoid feeding him in public at all costs. I leave the house right after he is fed or I sit and feed him in the car or a dressing room or bathroom.  I would rather a stranger see my boob than them see me give my son a bottle, even if that bottle is all breast milk. I've even gone as far as feeding him under a nursing cover because I couldn't bare the thought of him having the bottle in public.  My husband says I am crazy and to some extent I know that I am. I just don't want to be where we are today and I wish that I could blink and wake up from this.

I know that every day will continue to be a struggle for us, but I can't give up.  My heart tells me that I can't stop trying.  I will continue to offer him to nurse and I will continue to pump too.  I am praying that we can get to a year on breast milk. My son is worth every struggle and I try to focus on that.  Don't get me wrong, all of my days aren't bad days.  We have amazing days too. Days where I feel confident and focused. Days where I am unstoppable and that I know I am trying my hardest.  I also have come across some amazing mothers who offer nothing but support.  I am in awe by the fact that these complete strangers go out of their way to help me out any way they can.  They make the world just a little brighter and I am in debt to them!

Even though things get rough, I know that my son is still getting more than most and that we will get through this.  He is happy, healthy, and growing fast. I can't believe he turned 4 months last week! I have starting taking medication to help boost my milk supply, which I know not everyone agrees with but I decided that even though it might not be natural it's way better than supplementing with formula.  I am now pumping almost everything he needs during the day, but have to supplement for his night feedings. Which to me is more than I can hope for. I will continue to fight for what he needs and one day I know I will reach the point of acceptance.  Things will get better and can get better. I can't give up!

What I call liquid gold!!! Every drop counts!

 My handsome little man :) He melts my heart!

 Our daily routine.  A kid hanging out on my lap while I pump away.
Barrett, my oldest, is my handsome loving boy :)

 Us trying our hardest to make the SNS work.  One day we will get there!!

 Pumping and driving! Every where I go, no matter how long I am in the car I pump.  I absolutely LOVE the Freemie cups.